16 posts tagged “personal”

Letting Go

My beloved grandma passed away last Saturday evening. She died in my very arms. I was alone with her together with my son. We saw her slipping away right in front of our very eyes and was helpless to do much to help her. The question on whether I could have done anything more or differently that could have saved her kept haunting me. I kept seeing her whenever my mind is free.

Others kept telling me and my family that is was a good way to go as she does not need to go thru long period of pain or sufferings. For she had left us while having her dinner (she ate halfway) together with my son by her side. Perhaps it was.... but we are still trying to wrap our mind around the notion that we did not get to say farewell to her or to hear her last words.

Deep down inside, I know I should count my blessing for I am the last person to have held her, sooth her and spoken to her during her last moment. Nevertheless, the experience was one that's going to follow me till the end of my days. It was traumatic for me and my son yet, it was one that one memory only I alone could have to cherish.

We missed her dearly as she was the magnet of our family. She pulls us all together as an inseparable family unit. Without her we are lost.

Though I wished to say more, my heart does not have the strength yet for me to carry on.

I would like to observe a moment of silence in the loving memory of this beautiful woman, my dearest grandma.

Angels

This is the memorial message we are engraving onto her resting sanctuary, for it was one that truly reflect our love for her:

Flowers

Gone yet not forgotten,
although we are apart,
your spirit lives within us,
forever in our hearts.

Currently in a pretty good mood eversince the the last 2 days back. So light and breezy, almost felt like a child again.

So without further ado, here's the story behind my bliss:

A GIFT OF JOY AND GUILT

I was pleasantly surprised by my hubby on last Monday evening when he came to pick me up from work. As I adjusted myself for a more comfortable ride back home, he quietly slipped onto my lap a small white plastic bag.

What I found in that small plastic bag blew me away. I felt a mixture of joy and awe but it was also tainted with a bit of guilt. For he had given me something which I had always wanted and what he thought I have yet to have. When in fact I already own a couple lower capacities ones well hidden away. What's more ironic is that, a few days ago I had just secretly bought another one exactly the duplicate of what he had gotten me now.

If you are now wondering what kind of gift my sweet ol' hubby had given me. I'll like to say that it's an apparatus that'll give me ample joy of making luve with my obsession. To have long and lengthy intercourse. To upload and download stuff. Lotsa stuff.

Here it is...

Kingston Data Traveller 100 [ 4GB ] USB 2.0

Kingston Data Traveler 100 [ 4GB ] USB 2.0

CHILDHOOD DREAM TOYS

Right after that surprise gift, he suggested we go grab dinner at a local shopping complex.

Just when we are leaving the shopping complex after dinner and a bit of window shopping, we both saw an electronic toy of which have been on my wishlist since childhood. It was yet to be fulfilled up till now.

My hubby looks at me and smile knowingly. As I gasp and delights over the said item on display. As the toy unwittingly woo me over and over again with it's cute antic on display.

Needless to say, he bought it for me. And I am on cloud 9 literally. It's so sweet of him. I felt like throwing myself into his arm there and then and to kiss him silly.

Here, let me introduce you to my current #2 obsession...

Penguins on Slide

Wooden Red Horse String Toy

2 comments

I really dig PHOTOSCAPE's large templates library for collage making. Another feature which I adore is the ability to append text and also bubble talk diagrams. Oh yea, it also offers the ability to frame up your photos digitally.  There are so many to choose from I am literally spoil of choices.

Just a quick post. I had to do this. Cos' it's Chinese New Year the biggest festival for us Chinese. It wouldn't stand well for me to going on long holiday without first wishing all my friends here a very Happy Chinese New Year.

As you are all so very special to me, I have decided to personalised my greetings to all of you by means of a short audio clip recording. Yes, you get to hear my voice, the ever elusive and mysterious hermit has decided to talk, literally.

Just did this recording over lunch today. Hiding quietly in my superior's room with the MP3 player/recorder which I bought with my hard earned money last year. I must say, I sounded very nervous in it. Cos' I am, I am so nervous that my tongue felt so thick and clumsy. Lol. Gosh.

So, here's my dedication to all my fellow beloved blog pals:

Kleio's CNY2008 Greetings_4Feb08

Kleio

2 comments

Hope all of you have a joyous and eventful Chinese New Year. I know I am going to spend my CNY holidays uneventfully and boringly at my in-laws. Again. Sigh....
   

I really felt so strongly that I should share with all a post by a fellow blogger. This post of his, made a deep impression on me. It was a very poignant and riveting post, one that I can't help but to share my own sentiments with.

Please do take some time off to read this piece of beautifully written article. You would then know why I am so enamored with it that I had posted a rather long comment after reading it.

Here's what I have commented (unabridged):

Ahh, this post of yours sure brought up lots of my memories and past experiences. Many of those questions or insecurities are also the very same ones I had until a couple of months back when I truly understand what I need or wanted.

It was only then that I realized giving in all the time and bottling up frustrations are really not they way it’s suppose to be if we expect the relationship to grow, mature and stabilize. Avoidance of negative issues only makes matter worst. As these issues wouldn’t simply just go away by ignoring it, as it would only start building up and silently gnaw away our inner self - especially our self-worth. Losing our sense of self and dignity in a relationship would only lead to a stagnant, stale and unhappy outlook.

This is what exactly happened to me. I kept stalling the matter, thinking if I just continue to give in and try to change or mold myself according to his ‘idea’ everything will eventually fall into it’s place. However, unfortunately that wasn’t the case, and I found out only after much pain and suffering in both parties. Then only I realized, I must be happy and content within before I could bring happiness to others especially to my love ones. It’s only a simple equation. Nonetheless, it’s one many failed to see.

Hence, it’s equally important that we strive to find a balance in between. To address the true feelings of both parties. And this balance could only be achieve through face-to-face heartfelt dialogue. For this to work, courage, sincerity, determination and wisdom must be employed in these dialogues. This is what I did recently with my other half and now stand to witness the simplicity and greatness of this basic human interaction which many failed to recognize and make good use of. (Yup, I blogged about this live-changing experience of mine).

To simply put it, lack of communication IS the main downfall of many relationships/marriages. Communication is an art, one that all human beings needs to master in order to be successful in life. I now constantly remind myself the fact that, every individual has their own set of principles, thinkings and reactions. Whatever it is, everyone deserves to be heard.

I know this comment of mine if a bit too lengthy, but this article of yours makes me feel very strongly. Hope you don’t mind me sharing these quotes with you:

   

“A healthy relationship, is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals, while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.”

    “Love is not two people gazing at each other, but two people looking ahead together in the same direction - by Antoine de Saint”

    “If you lose yourself in love just because you are bored, and veer from your path in life, then love is nothing more than escapism.”

    “Happiness is not something that anyone else, even a lover, can give you. You have to achieve it by yourself. And, the only way to do so is by developing your own character and capacity as a human being, by fully maximising your potential. If you sacrifice your own growth and talent for love, you absolutely will not find happiness.”

    “It is demeaning to be constantly seeking approval. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are not treated the way your heart tells you you should be, I hope you will have the courage and dignity to decide that you are better off running the risk of being alone for the time being rather than enduring an unhappy relationship.”

PS: I copied all these quotes I found in a book into my organizer and kept it with me always as a reminder that I could achieve more for myself and for my family. Every human beings has his potential. I hope my comments did not unintentionally offend you or anyone here.

PPS: Actually, I visited this page in particular several times already ever since I got your mail. I didn’t comment back then because I knew I wanted a deeper discussion in my comment. So here it is a long-winded one. Hope you don’t mind. LOL

Take care. And do write more. You are doing great already.
Kleio da Muse - October 18th, 2007 at 11:23 am

What's your sentiments? Care to share?

I know I have been neglecting my blog for quite sometime now *ducks flying objects*. Sorry for that. Was kinda still feeling drained after my Exhibition Guide stint. So now, today, I am back again. Tho I wasn’t feeling very well of late. Been down with flu and fever. Still recovering from it as we speak. Am now breathing through my mouth due to my stuffy nose hence suffering from dry throat and mouth symptom.

I was on medical leave yesterday and had an uncomfortable surprise meeting with someone I have long forgotten when I drop by at the clinic that I frequented. It was my hubby who drove me there accompanied by our little boy too.

When I first caught a glimpse of him I thought I was hallucinating from the fever. Gosh, is it really him? I had to ask myself a several times. I dare not meet his eyes but walked pass him nonchalantly and plopped by butt in a seat next to whom-I-believed-was-his-wife sitting on his left holding a toddler girl around 3-4 years old.

It has been such a long time since we last contacted each other. If I am not mistaken, it was like over 10 years or more. That was ever since I was in a steady relationship with my hubby.
Why am I fretting about seeing him there? Well, thing is, it’s quite an awkward situation as he was my first love. He was the first boy that had held my hands. Now, I could not exactly recall if I had also given my first kiss to him. As things are quite a blur now given my goldfish-memory.

Seeing him again brought back floods of memories…

Our Hot & Cold Love
We started our puppy love during our secondary school days (high school). I have to admit; I was kind of just following the trend back then, as everyone seems to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend to show. Since, I was never lack of suitors, I thought it would be cool to have one too. Plus, he is a hot item, very popular (especially among the gals and the guys like him too) and handsome too. I kinda fell for his boyish cuteness. Yea, I was THAT shallow back then. LOL. But hey, give me a break coz I was still in my early teen years at that period of time okay.

What we have was an on-off kind of relationship. Let’s just say, there’s just too many distractions, for him that is. He attracts whole lots of female attention and I gain lots of hate-filled-glares from these gals. Not that I really care, as I was usually too preoccupied with my school grades. I know where my priority is even back then. Had even blatantly told him so, that he comes second after my grades. I remembered asking him not to pester me with his phone calls especially nearing examination period.

He is very much different from me in terms of placing his priority, family backgrounds and academic studiousness. To begin with, he doesn’t even understand English or shares the same interest in books like I do. He was a truant at school, joined the gangster and later on, dropped out from school during his second year.

I think I don’t even need to elaborate any further for you would have predicted that our relationship didn’t last long. To cut things short, we only lasted about half a year then broke off… and then got back on again, a couple of times – on his persuasion. Beats me. I really do not know what I had in me that had attracted him so much for him to try to patch up with me so many times even after I have graduated from high school and college.

The Public Show of Embarrassment
I could still remember that one appalling event where he gotten very drunk and was screaming my name on top of his lung over and over again, at the front gate of my house in the middle of the night! To my dismay, my neighbors were all woken up by his ruckus and I could clearly see the steam coming out from my mom’s head. To make the matter worst, he kept falling down together with his motorbike a couple of times and had to struggle back up with our help.  What an embarrassment.

I was hoping the earth would just open up and swallow me whole there and then. He did it just because I dumped him. In the end, we had no choice but to call his parent to pick him up, as we could not persuade him to go away on his own accord and my mom did not have the heart to call the police on him. I thank my mom in my heart for that even when I feel like kicking his ass for this mess he got me into.

Oh yes, I got an earful from my mom after that. I hated him for it. Yet, somehow I did felt a little bit guilty and touched at the same time. Except not enough for me to disregard my mom’s decree for me to stay away from him. Haha. Stay away I did… but not too long, as we got back together again after sometime, in secret.

Gosh, maybe I do have a weak spot for cuties. Especially cuties like him – boyish and charming. I’ll melt just by looking at him smiling. Love his voice too. Ah, come to think of it, I still do have an affinity to boyish charms. Let me see… the Jpop songs I currently adore are mostly sung by males with boyish voice. LOL.

Gawd, am I getting perverted from old age? Someone, please save me!

In a Tight Spot over the Accidental Meeting
Now that I see him sitting there with his wife and kid. I can’t help but to wonder if he’s happy now with this family life. I think that he must be wondering the same thing too when he saw me with my hubby and kid.

I wasn’t brave enough to risk a sensitive row with my hubby therefore I did not try to catch his eyes at all. I knew that he did glanced at me a couple of times, but I doubt he would initiate a greeting also – he is after all in the same inconvenient situation like me. I would have greeted him if we were both alone. Just a friendly hello, that’s all.

I know you might think that I am some sort of a vain-pot to fret that I am not looking at my best due to my sickness (flu and fever) and dressed only in a pair of worn-out short pant with a tiny pink tee. I am a far cry from how I used to look like during my school days, no doubt. Chancing a meeting with an old flame in this sort of condition wasn’t very appealing or flattering at all. Don’t you agree?

A General Question to All:
What would you do or how would you react if you were in my shoe – chancing an accidental meet with your old flame?

Today I am wearing a body hugging skirt suit in blood red. Feeling awesome. Cuz, this time I don't even have to wear a girdle to keep things tight. Yes. My tummy's looking better and better these days *smug grin*.

Sorry folks for my long absence. Shall try to update you all on the next post. See ya!

17th July 2007, Tuesday


This particular morning, I was pretty hyped-up by a post written by Tine. It’s about the ups-and-downs she encountered during her high school days. I felt so nostalgic reading this post of hers. I was literally overwhelmed by my own excitement that I had couldn’t refrain from posting two quite long comments to share my own experiences with her. And I felt good doing it too.

I figured it would be cool to post something about my past too… this is something I had noticed wasn’t my usual style here. I guess I did deprive you all from a chance to get to know me better huh. A chance to know the roads this Muse had traveled to become who she is today. So, a little bit of background history wouldn’t kill I guess. LOL.

Here goes the story of this Muse during her heydays *“tut-te-tut-tae-tut” keying in the codes into the Time Machine*

SWIRL…. SWIRL…, SWIRL… (spiraling down the time portal in full speed).

[Kleio in full highschool light blue pinafore with white short-sleeved-shirt and her long-thick waist-length luxurious-black-hair pulled back in a samurai style fashion secured with several (I mean many) pieces of rubber-hair-bands plus a larger than life curry-puff like fringe gel to perfection]

Well, that’s pretty much how I looked like back then. Trying my very best to fit in, at least in terms of appearance. I could never really fit in emotionally though. Not until I met Gina (my best friend even till now) during my 3rd year (Form 3)… but, that was for another story, unless you all don’t mind another long drag. LOL. So, I’ll just have to keep that for another time.

Of Differences and Barriers

Now, why would I say that I couldn’t really fit in? Thing is, I am what my peers considered as a partial Chinese, but that is only in terms of up-bringing and not that I aren’t in anyway physically “pure Chinese”. Alrighty then, maybe I did look slightly off the part of looking truly of Chinese parentage. I could still remember people kept asking me whether I am half Japanese or of mixed parentage. I guess it might be because of my fairness in skin tone, well probably. Anyway, I really don’t get it until todate as to why my looks generated this sort of speculation at all *shakes head*. To me, I look every part a pure Chinese.

Apart from the so called ‘unconventional look,’ it doesn’t really help me fit in with a huge language barrier in line effectively barricading me from the rest of my peers. This was another reason why my peers called me a partial Chinese or what they fondly nicknamed as a ‘Banana’ (a direct translation from Chinese ie. Siang-Jiau-Ren. It metaphorically meant, ‘Yellow on the outside but white in the inside’ – meaning a westernized Chinese who doesn’t know his/her Chinese heritage or main language ie. Mandarin) a quite degrading nickname they gave to those like me. I am pretty sure others out there like me would concur with this.

Actually, this dilemma left me feeling alienated and left-out, hence I turned resentful towards my parent’s decision in enrolling me into a National School instead of a Chinese Medium school which was supposed to be the normal practice by the local Chinese community. I felt ashamed of not knowing Mandarin and of not having deeper knowledge of my Chinese heritage. At that time, it makes me felt unworthy of being called a Chinese at all. To the point of almost wanting to hide behind a fabricated lie that I am not pure Chinese but of mixed parentage (I didn’t do it tho. I now think it is rather silly of me to have that kind of thoughts.)

In a way, all these really affected my self-esteem. Therefore I submitted to my peer’s never-ending jests, teases and was even bombarded with many unflattering nicknames. Kids can really be amazing with their creativity in making up nicknames. My beautiful name (I have an English name apart from my Chinese one) was twist and turned into so many versions of distasteful nicknames, that I was so fed up with, so much so that I had one time decided to adopt a new name for myself at school. Mom gave me an earful when she found out tho.

It was just so easy for them to get away with the teasing because I can’t tell even if they were to made fun of me right in front of my face as they always did it in Mandarin. To me, it was like hearing a foreign language that I have no inkling of whatsoever. I have no choice but to let it be.

Now, I am proud to say that my current comprehension of Mandarin has improved tremendously, all thanks to the idiot-box’s never-ending streams of TV dramas in this particular language. Credits have to be given to my little boy as well, for encouraging me to pick up this language. That’s because I have no other option but to learn it, as my son is currently enrolled into a Chinese medium kindergarten and I found this is the most effective language in communicating with him. Hence begins a series of broken Mandarin at home. LOL. It was fun tho. Helps create light moments to wash away the daily stress and tensions.

Grades & Studiousness

Grades, hmmm… this is a rather tough one to answer. Let me see, I was constantly struggling with couple of subjects. Maths unfortunately is my woe. No matter how much effort I put in… I barely scrap the passing grade. Freaking hate Maths (arithmetic) even till now. It’s really nothing short of a miracle that I managed to somehow secure a credit (passing grade) for it, enough for me to get myself through my highschool final year examination. I guess Lady-luck was with me after all, that I need not repeat another year at school. That would suck Big-time.

History wasn’t my forte too. Don’t get me wrong tho. I do enjoy history it’s just that I don’t fancy studying local history. My interest leans more towards the international atmosphere. Another thing about this subject that irks me are the dates I have to cramp into my Goldfish-Memory (I am plaque by early stage of Alzheimer disease it seems). My short term memory is almost non-existent. You know, I could be standing right in front of my gate holding the keys in my hands and asking where the hell I put my keys! (incidents such as this and similar ones has and kept repeating itself many times throughout my life). I am so SICK of this and part of the reason I am currently pushing myself to pick-up the Japanese language is to stop my brain from wasting away. Hopefully in the near future, I would not have to repeat this phrase again and again, “Oh I am sorry, I forgot” *roll eyes*.

Alright so, basically my grades aren’t too bad. I would say I am neither an underachiever nor an over-achiever (just like how Tine put it). What’s my best subjects then? It has to be English, Science, Bahasa Malaysia (the national language) and Geography. Wasn’t too doing too badly in my Art class too.

Since I am top in class for my English studies, it helps me somewhat get back at those peers who had laughed at me being the so called partial Chinese. It felt good to see them toning down their ego to approach me for help in this subject. Ha! See, who has the last laugh now. Muahahahahahahaa.

A bit about my study style, I would sit at the dining table at home diving into my homework as soon as I get back from school till evening. I would only budge from time to time for nature calls or to get some sustenance from the fridge. I get my rest there too – sleeping while sitting upright with my head resting on the table drooling away. My grandma seems to be very fond of recalling this memory... she kept repeating it to friends and family *embarrassed*.

The Popularity Scale

[Kleio gingerly steps onto the “Popularity Scale” with trepidations. Forehead full of nervous sweat]

Well errr… how should I put it? I was umm… ahh… quite well received by the umm… opposite gender. In fact, there’s this one time where a bunch of so-called, “Tai-kar-cheh” (Cantonese: means, Big-Sisters… as in female gangsters) threaten to do me harm should I not avoid the attention of a particular cute boy of which I didn’t even know in the first place. Cos’ a gal in the said group has got the hots for him (Psst… and that cute boy has got the hots for yours truly). Yea right, I told them to go get a life and when they did get unruly I ran straight off to the teacher’s lounge. It was so funny to see them get cold feet and chicken out. Cluck… cluck… cluck… cluck. LOL. Man, that made my day.

And for the record, that kawaii boy became my first boyfriend. That is, if he could be considered as my "boyfriend" cos’ I wouldn’t even let him hold my hands. LOL. I does defeat the whole idea right. Actually I had a long history with this particular boy afterwards. But, I’ll leave that for another post... only if I feel like telling it. He is after all… my first love and the best looking one throughout my strings of suitors.

I can be quite daring and reckless at times tho I did tone down a bit nowadays. I remember I once threw a bottle (a plastic one of course, I am not a murderer) at a male classmate, because he irritated me. I think he messed with my beautifully sculpted hair. There was also another time where I kicked a ‘bangku’ (chair) towards that same idiot. But it was me that got hurt from that tantrum in the end. Sucks!

Oh, I forgot to mention one itsy bitsy detail *raises eyebrows suggestively*… I was the Assistant Class Monitor at that point of time too *grin*. Surprise! Surprise! For a clearer picture, I am talking about my first year in highschool kay (Form 1). One more thing, I am also a Karate student back then. I guess that pretty well explained why I had the (I nearly said balls here. LOL) guts to readily take on these unruly peeps. I am pretty harmless now tho, with my muscles and guts all gone down the drains eons ago since the day I have decided to perfect the feminine side of me due to my increasing interest in the opposite gender. Though I must blame it all on the raging surge of female hormone during my 2nd onset of puberty *bites lip*.

One more for the record, I was also the secretary for Interact Club during my fourth year of highschool (Form 4). My best buddy, Gina was the President of the club. I had much fun, exposures and also faced with many challenges in this club. I even got into an argument with Gina then. It was our first fight and the last; we never fought afterwards till to date. And we are still best of friend.

From this point onward, I think you could deduce that I am most certainly do not belong to the geeks or nerds packs. I am probably a semi IT-gal. Semi popular only. I believe I get to be at this level just because I am different and this gets me attention out of people’s natural curiosity. So you can actually say that I stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb amongst my peers.

I have to say that life is fair after all, I might be ridiculed and alienated but I fare better than em’ in my studies and social conquest.

Lastly, I would love to tag a few friends. I didn't actually meant for this post to be a meme, but I really think it would be an interesting tag. So there's no obligation okay. You can chose to indulge me or you could ignore this tag by all means. I would not be offended in anyway ok. My main aim is just to get to know more about you.

These are the peeps I would love to know more about:
Gina (Absolut Ginger)
Che-Cheh
Tien Soon (Tien Soon's Tech Blog)
Kenny Mah
Stev Blogs
Firehorse (Fatty Poh's Kopi Tiam)
Kok (Not so complicated)
VHanded
Mikey (Mikey Mike's Subliterate Zone)
Peggy (All the Beautiful Things in the World)
CC (Quaint Melody)
Paris Beaverbanks

WARNING: This post might be disturbing to some. So advance with care and stop if you can’t stand it. To tell you the truth, I am somewhat sicken by this post. But I felt that I had to do it… to get it out of my system and also as a reminder to self.

 
How do you view confrontation? Do you shrink from it at all cost? Does the mere mention of it cause you to cringe? Or on the contrary you feel that it’s an absolutely necessary endeavor to bring about change, realization and acceptance?

As most of you already know… I had been in a rather depressing mood of late. Thus, I am hereby confessing on what’s irking me, slowly eating up my patience and threatening my very own sanity.  

Has been feeling hopeless, worthless and on the brink of suffocation again… intensively so since the last few months back. Yes. This is not the first time I felt this way. Just that this time around, it has simply magnified out of proportion. Even so, I kept my suffering to myself and tried to drown it with other distractions – which aren’t working that well. Except music has been a constant soothing presence though only a temporary reprieve.  


Achilles Heel
I for one am a coward when it comes to confrontations. It’s my main weakness, my Achilles heels as some might put it. Maybe I am just too soft in nature and lack assertiveness. In general, I am such a person who’s incapable of displaying much aggression – even when provoked. Worst of all, I get tongue-tied and at times started stammering during arguments especially when I am feeling really pissed off. Sigh… like the Chinese sayings, “Mo yuk yi” (meaning: there’s just no amount of medicine can cure me). It’s almost like a deadly disease in me that wouldn’t budge no matter what. I think it’s hardwired into my subconscious mind.  

Sometimes do I wonder if this trait of mine could be the residual effects of my own parent’s fallout which made me shy away from any form of confrontations? Whenever there’s one staring up at my face I’d just go silent or monosyllabic and sometimes spaced out too. Almost like a stage fright syndrome. My husband always complained that he felt like he’s talking to the wall every time we had a disagreement. I would just ‘froze’ and look at him like a dumb-dumb.   


Of Trial and Tribulation
Little that I know that all this dodging could have caused me so much pain and heartaches. I thought I could just continue to ignore my own heart and mind’s calling by suppressing my own desires… willing it away, thinking that everything will eventually fall into its places soon… one fine day perhaps. Thus, patiently I have waited and waited for 10 freaking long years condemning myself to a depressing reclusive lifestyle.

I was the ever obedient wife, a ‘Yes Woman’ to my assertive and possessive husband. I know that it was partly my own doing that cultivated this unnatural and suffocating relationship with my inability to protect and preserve my very own dignity and pride. I just never know how to say, ‘No’ when it comes to him. It wasn’t helping that he is a very domineering and distrustful person to begin with. Hence, often times I cowed in his presence – always thinking twice before saying things, fervently trying to follow his every mood and wants. Then again, please don’t get me wrong, for he is a good husband in many other ways. I am grateful for his attentiveness and respect towards my family members, for his ever protectiveness over me and my son, for the sacrifices he made for us and for putting me and my son’s best interest first.  

Throughout these 10 years we had not once fought and not make up quickly after it. In fact, he would not hesitate to initiate the make up on the very same day… this is how much he loved and cherished me. Maybe it’s because of all these good qualities I cherished in him and his leading demeanor compelled me to bow to his every whims and fancy. He is a very persuasive person and I am just the complete opposite of him. The balance is just not there and both of us failed to acknowledge it. Or I had chose ignorance as an excuse for my cowardice.  

All in all, I didn’t have the heart to cheat my dearest only son out of a father figure. I love him very very much and he deserves the best I could give him. I am ready to sacrifice my very own soul and happiness just for him. I guess he’s the main reason I had stayed on in this staled marriage of mine. I had to be responsible for him, hence responsible for every action and decision I chose. He is innocent afterall and none ever is his fault. If anyone should be blamed, it’s us parents. For him, I played the part of an ever docile wife though my own heart is drowning internally.    


Turn of Events – Letting Loose the Cat
12th May 2007, Saturday night 

Finally, the dam broke last Saturday night. We had a row concerning my son. I was at fault this time and I had owned it up. Berated me he had, with much gusto too. However, he had decided to press further and stepped on unstable ground which shook my already fragile state of mind and crumbling resolve to keep mum on my long withheld discontentment, in my pathetic bid to avoid the inevitable outcome of an imminent confrontation. It was then, the already over spilling and unstable dam broke… as I pour out all my anguish and resentments I had garnered and guarded all these years beyond caring the consequences and price I had to pay later. I might as well let it all out. Damn. It felt good though I am feeling apprehensive too.

I struggled with words to make him understand my plight and resentments. That I felt suffocated by his overbearing character, my lack of freedom and independence, lost of dignity and pride and most importantly I mourn the lost of my sense of self. The pain of wearing that everything-is-ok mask each and everyday. I am tired and I am fed-up with all this façade. In a way, I am but only lying to him and even to myself… that everything is just fine and dandy. I admitted to him the fact that I know he’s not to be blamed entirely; it was as much my own fault as well as his, for I had failed to express my own desires and to contest for it due to my own weaknesses. Due to my Achilles heel.   

To tell you the truth, I was pretty surprised and yet relieved that he had managed to remain somewhat calm and collected throughout our dialogue. It wasn’t heated but it was intense. He has his share of discontentment outpour and as usual he debated every statement I made easily. I felt like a fool and a silly girl yet again. As I all that I had said was dismissed as being childish and selfish. Gawd, what I am I supposed to say to make him see the picture. He kept misunderstanding my problems. He said he can’t believe I’d do this to him, that I could be this cruel after all the efforts he put in to make me happy. To ensure my happiness comes first before anything else.    

With things going nowhere, with both of us being frustrated and hurt. He declared that he is disappointed in me and proposed for a divorce to get it all over with. My heart was overjoyed and yet confused and unsure if this is for the best. On one part, the idea of being able to release myself from this emotional bondage and to breathe free again was very very tantalizing. Yet, on another part, I am not sure of how it would affect my beloved child, of whether this is exactly the ending I sought for and dreamt of. I really couldn’t describe on how my emotion rage that moment. So many things to consider, so many things would change so many uncertainties and so on. I couldn’t just give a straight off answer just like that… this is how serious I am towards this relationship, towards my commitment and responsibility for the family. Yet he pressed on for the ultimate answer of which I couldn’t bring myself to say it.  

Anyhow, at least I believe I had somewhat gotten some of my messages through… that I no longer love him as I do, that I despises his very presence, that I hated him and that I am feeling suffocated by all his restrictions. My soul is so wrecked that I felt there’s just two options left for me to end this pain once and for all… a divorce or …… saying goodbye to the world (something I couldn’t even bring myself to say it loud). Yeah, I told him of these ugly images too which had been playing itself endlessly and silently in my head. I know the later option is stupid and selfish, but I just can’t help myself no matter how I had tried to be optimistic. That horrible notion just wouldn’t let me go. I hated it. I hated myself. Hated how helpless and weak I felt. I don’t even know who I really am these days. Just an empty shell drifting aimlessly towards time. Each and every freaking time I tried to stand up and be strong again he’d just push me back down again. It’s like he’s so bend on seeing me broken. Maybe I am just insane for thinking so – for I can’t fully trust my own distressed and disturbed mind now.

I had even surprised myself this time, for I had not cried or really felt like crying this time around unlike previous episodes. Is it a sign that my heart is already dead anyway. So numb and indifferent it is. Given up.  

So on we talk from 12am till 3am plus in the morning. Till I had shown my fatigue and unwillingness to carry on on yet another bound of aimless discussions. So quietly we left each other alone to retire though restlessly. I had a hard time falling asleep. So much to think. Yet my mind’s quite blank and incapable of it.   


Coming to Terms?
13th May 2007, Sunday 

Today’s the special day for all mothers out there. I don’t feel like celebrating. Still confused and shrouded with anxiety and uncertainties. He didn’t acknowledge me in the morning and left me pretty much alone and then left for work himself. I was elated he was gone. At least now I would have the time to ponder about last night. In the end, I left the house with my son in tow for my mom’s house across the street, finding myself unable to stay in the house. Maybe I sorely needed company today. Even though I knew I wouldn’t in a million years seek my family’s solace. It’s my own shit afterall. And it’s already in a mess I don’t really need more people to mess it up more for me. So, I decided to act normal, as normal as I could.  

Deep down inside I crave for company. Someone I could pour out my heart with. Someone not judgmental. Someone who’ll not take sides. I had sorely tempted to call my buddy, Gina but didn’t succumb to it in the end. I don’t exactly know why. I just don’t have to heart to trouble her and put my burden on her. I knew she would side me no matter what, but that’s not what I wanted. So I chose to be alone with my family members surrounding me, but very much alone and kept to myself.  

In the evening I went along with my family for a Mother’s Day celebration at a nearby restaurant. That’s when my grandma and mother started questioning my husband’s absence. And I told them the truth… I had a row with him last night. Full stop. No further questions entertained. Not inclined to disclose it anyway. I am sorry to have left them hanging and worrying over me, but I don’t need further headache at the moment. 

Later at night, my husband approached me again. He actually apologizes to me, but for all the wrong reasons *roll eyes*. He still didn’t get me. Or has he chosen to feign ignorance? He then promptly proposes we retry again. Give it another go. If not for him then for our son. I was apprehensive and too unsure. I dallied and he brought up the possible scenarios of a divorce could cause and he stated clearly to me his intention to do whatever in his power to gain our son’s custody. Then he reasoned that it’s karma that brought us together and nobody could outrun karma. He cited, even if I should leave this family, there’s no promise that all these existing karma would not repeat itself again in my new life. I had to agree with him on this part about no one could avoid karma as it takes its course.

I told him clearly that I was apprehensive if it would work this time around. I really don’t have the will to take another 10 more years of the same agony. Yet, I felt I owe it to my little boy and for my husband’s sheer determination to try again though I had fears in my heart.  

Then I relented.

I told him that this time I shall be different; I shall strive hard to fight for what I want and shall steel myself courageously in the face of confrontations (it’s a resolution I made for myself too). I made him understand that this is a crucial change I sorely needed in order to make it work and to avoid history from repeating yet again. I shall strive hard not to keep things bottled up like I used to. 

It’s my final fight, my final straw. Hope he will realize it and make the extra efforts to change for the better too.   


Starting Anew
14th May 2007, Monday 

He came to me in the morning before with went out to work, telling me he realizes his failure in providing for me and our son financially and for not taking us as frequently as he should for family together time. He then proceeded to declare that he would woo me all over again and makes me fall in love with him again and that he did not blame or hate me for falling out of love with him. 

When I heard the first statement, I was disappointed though I am happy with the second statement, as he had clearly shown that he had still not understood what I need, what I want. And yet I already told him on the first night of our row - What I wanted is really very simple. I just wanted respect, trust, dignity, my privacy, my pride and to regain my sense of self. Just for him to respect my individuality. That’s all. That’s all I ever asked for from the very beginning of our relationship. And it’s never, NEVER about money.  

Am I that hard to please? Am I asking for the impossible? Am I truly asking too much? 

Alright, as I had only last night promised myself to voice out my opinion over matters I disagree and not shrink from it in the future… I once again, explained my expectation and needs as openly as I could. Keeping my fingers crossed that it hit home this round, or I shall have to do it repetitively no matter many times. Geezz, am I that difficult to understand?  

Do pray hard for me people that things will get better and he would come to his senses and start to understand what it is all about.  



About this post:  
I am pretty apprehensive about posting this but I knew I had to do it to get it out from my system. Had to write it down as a firm reminder to self.  

Sorry about the length of it though. It’s lengthy but I still feel I have yet to be able to get it all down. I did an auto count with MS Words and I have written a total of 3,447 words on this post. This is definitely my longest post. Hope there aren’t too many typos or grammar mistakes in it. It’s bound to have quite a number of it, I know. Please pardon me. 

I hope I didn’t scare any of you off with this angst-ridden post of mine or bored you all to death. I also hope that this post did not unintentionally offend anyone. If it did, please accept my apologies.   

Current Outlook:
Shall keep my heart and mind open towards the promised changes. Shall work on building up my courage from now onwards. I know that it is going to be another long and hard journey… but I shall make it worth my while this round. Like they say, it’s now or never.  

Question to all:
So what’s your view on the importance of confrontation? How would you react if you are met with one?      

Inspirational Quotes

Some quotes I found which I am now drawing my strengths from and learning from it. Just to share it here with all. 

“The important thing is to take that first step. Bravely overcoming one small fear gives you the courage to take on the next.” 

“It takes courage to become happy – courage to remain true to one’s conviction, courage not to be defeated by one’s weaknesses and negativity, courage to take swift action to help those who are suffering.” 

“If you summon your courage to challenge something, you’ll never be left with regret. How sad it is to spend your life wishing, “If only I’d had a little more courage.” Whatever the outcome may be, the important thing is to step forward on the path that you believe is right.” 

“Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is the inner struggle to polish these attributes that is the key. …Real love is not two people clinging to each other, it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality.”  

“If you are neglecting things you should be doing, forgetting your purpose in life because of the relationship you’re in, then you’re on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.”  

“Anyone can hit a wall. The anguish felt then is proof of one’s desire to move forward. But all is for naught if you falter at that moment. Action-that is the key to breaking through an impasse.” 

“Why doesn’t constant trampling defeat the dandelion? The key to its strength is its long and sturdy root, which extends deep into the earth. The same principle applies to people. The true victors in life are those who, enduring repeated challenges and setbacks, have sent the roots of their being to such a depth that nothing can shake them.” 

“No one can better bask in summer’s balm than those who have endured winter’s bite. Similarly, it is those who have suffered through life’s darkest hours who are able to truly savor the bright dawn of happiness. The person who has transformed the worst of fate into the best of fortune is life’s champion.” 

“There is a saying that the earth upon which we fall is the same ground which enables us to push ourselves up again. There’s another which maintains that barley grows better after it has been trampled on. Human relationships are sometimes painful, but there is no such pain from which we cannot recover. It is up to us to decide to live a life free from self-doubt and despair in spite of our failures. Indeed, it is during our most humbling moments that we should show greatest poise and grace. Then the dignity of our lives will truly shine.” 

“Genuine happiness is found in courage. Courage is the gateway to happiness.”  


Note:  The above are quoted by Daisaku Ikeda and it can be found at Ikeda Quotes.